Disclaimer: This week’s entry is intended to be as lighthearted and palatable, as possible. I am well aware that some Christians, and non-Christians alike, are less than comfortable with the idea of entertaining open discussions on sex and intimacy. It’s the pink elephant in the room….and in some churches. Yet, we’ve allowed and endorsed mainstream media to shamelessly sensationalize sex and reduce it to a naughty act best suited for, otherwise brilliant, misfits and adulterers. Then, millions of viewers tune in to watch it every Thursday night. “Uh oh, I may face a Twitter storm!” notease How often do we see a married couple (to each other) with even an implied healthy and thriving sex life on t.v., outside of being newlyweds? And should the married couple choose to “procreate,” I shudder to think, it could challenge the very necessity and existence of sex and intimacy in the relationship on-screen.

With that said, here are 5 inspirations that may help spark fireworks in your bedroom:

1) SEX IS NOT JUST ABOUT SEX

Men and woman alike relish sex. It is a gift for the mutual enjoyment of husband and wife. However, both sexes tie the act to feelings of adequacy or inadequacy. If you incessantly refuse sex, your husband will not only attribute your refusal to a reflection on his sexual prowess, but also question his role as your husband and as a man. Men who protect and provide well, should be desired and rewarded, right? Wives who desire to maintain a healthy marriage, should not repetitively refuse sex, if feasible. There’s a void that develops over time when husbands and wives lose intimacy (not just sex), and space is created for someone outside of the marriage to entice your spouse with the promise of fulfilling that void. The void becomes a trap.

“The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

2) THERE’S NO BETTER ROOM TO CULTIVATE CREATIVITY

Listen, your bedroom should be not an exploration in boredom. Keep your sex life spicy and your tactics stimulating. You’re stuck with each other! 🙂 Be innovative and aim to have an enduring sexual relationship that lacks predictability. Did you know that Spencer’s sells stripper poles for your home?

For clarification, I don’t own one myself because there’s a strong correlation between stripper pole proficiency at home and pregnancy. I’m also not suggesting that you purchase one. What I am suggesting is that you explore often and be creative, in a way that you and your spouse feel comfortable and respected.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled…” Hebrews 13:4

“Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

3) KEEP A GOOD THING GOING

Remember how when you were dating, you were particularly mindful of both your appearance and proper manners. If, heaven forbid, you had a bout with belching or flatulence on the car ride home, you quickly rolled down your window and left the impression that the sound (or something else) was coming from the outside. You were tempted to say excuse me, but that was a confession that could alter the course of your relationship, or at least prolong the next date. Now that you’re married, “keep a good thing going.” Be authentic, but also take care in sustaining the beauty and grace that caused your spouse to fall in love with you.

4) BEDROOM ATTIRE CAN BE FLIRTY, SEDUCTIVE, OR NOTHING AT ALL

I love comfy, cozy sleepwear. I also like to conserve time by wrapping or prepping my hair for the next day. The question arises, “Should form follow function in the bedroom?” The answer, “Not when you have eyes and muscle lying next to you every night.” Seriously ladies, there IS middle ground. You should not be expected to go to bed every night like your channeling your favorite supermodel, but you should endeavor to bypass or delay the head wrap or facial masks some nights. Both Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood offer options for comfortable and flirty bedroom attire. Or, if you really want to raise an eyebrow, or something else, go to bed in your birthday suit.

5) ENERGY DRINKS ARE ACCEPTABLE

“What a day! I’m so exhausted.” This may actually be the case some nights, and yes, some nights it’s understandable and acceptable to go to sleep early without engaging intimately with your spouse.

But let me be frank…

If you are too tired to have sex EVERY night, I would suggest you either see a doctor (depending on severity), develop a good exercise routine, get more sleep at night, or try an energy drink/black tea. This may shock you but men aren’t stupid. Saying I’m tired every night, without actually being tired, is a passive aggressive way of saying, “I’m just not that into you.” If there are extenuating circumstances that your spouse is unaware of, discuss them with him and be open to brainstorming solutions, together. Trust him with your vulnerability. Honesty is the highest form of intimacy.

Ladies, there is an undercurrent that I want to briefly discuss with you here and possibly in a future post.

Some of us don’t always feel sexy or adventurous or willing or enough in the bedroom. Factors like age, pregnancy, body changes after childbirth, weight gain/loss, or more serious illnesses can cause physical changes to our bodies that affect us both mentally and emotionally. Or, a lack of trust and insecurity grows and binds in response to a spouse’s infidelity, extinguishing any warmth, let alone fire in the bedroom.

Our view of ourselves is sometimes skewed and unforgiving. It erodes our confidence and masks truth.

Beauty is ours to own. Begin internally and don’t lend out judgment.

What if we don’t become less beautiful physically, but rather less tolerant and appreciative of the changes that help mark our seasons?

A study published in 2010 found that 41.5 percent of women said they felt less attractive or sensual while pregnant—but 75 percent said their partners didn’t find them any less desirable.

I can’t speak for you but I personally felt very whale-like (heavy with limited mobility) during my pregnancies. My husband didn’t see me that way, but that wasn’t as important as how I saw myself.

The truth is there was an inner turmoil brewing that caused me to doubt that change could still be good, though different.

For those of you who need a reminder…

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, through every stage and every circumstance. Your strength to embrace and endure the changes and challenges men may never face makes you even more beautiful, so beautiful. Strut your stuff!  heart

 

Do you have any tips to share on ways to keep the bedroom exciting?

 

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  • Syree

    Exploration Night is a great tool for married couples. It offers a safe time and environment to try new things and express likes and dislikes. Because the time has been purposed to explore, no one feels rejected if something doesn’t quite work out. Instead, the couple walks away with a deeper knowledge and understanding of each other’s sexual wants and desires, which increases their level of intimacy. …and it’s really fun!

    November 10th, 2014 1:20
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  • Sherrie

    I really like that idea…Exploration Night. It sounds light, fun, potentially full of surprises, and a judgment free zone. Thanks for sharing!

    November 10th, 2014 2:10
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  • Ashley

    Love this discussion because I feel people look at marriage as boring in the bedroom or perhaps non-existent. But I am working on delaying that head scarf…I really am. I think presentation is everything sometimes and I agree with all of those great tips. The abundance or the lack of sex says a lot about a marriagw…what a gift! Thank you for sharing!

    November 10th, 2014 2:11
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  • Sherrie

    Ashley, I totally agree. It’s as if we think sex is only good if your having it with someone you shouldn’t and sex within marriage is a chore or a checklist item. And don’t get me wrong, I myself haven’t mastered this list…some items I do better than others. But, I work at it, and others, for the health of my marriage. 🙂

    November 10th, 2014 10:42
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